


Stillness

by Martienne



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:53:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3767164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Martienne/pseuds/Martienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are never easy, even when the war is over. Set in an AU postwar setting in which York survives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stillness

She knew what had happened—she’d lived through it, after all, every agonizing second—but when she awakened in the dark, shivering because York had once again hogged the blanket, she passed her hand over her belly, touching gingerly at first; it was almost as if she had to affirm it, though she knew it was real. Her hand smoothed over the skin again, twice more, remembering how it had felt just a few days ago, a firm rise below her navel and the slight ache inside from the pressure of her growing womb.

The pregnancy had been an accident. She had been upset when she’d realized it, felt as if her body had betrayed her. She and York had gone through a long, long dance of allowing a relationship to blossom; after all that they had gone through, Carolina didn’t take that development lightly. Settling into an ordinary life was uncomfortable for her, and York respected that. She was upset, disappointed, irritated, to be frank, when she told him the news.

She hadn’t expected his reaction. They’d discussed this, after all, when they had finally decided to be together, and he had agreed that prevention was the only option. Oh, he tried to contain it, but York was never that good at hiding things. She hadn’t realized he actually wanted to have a child one day. Maybe he hadn’t quite known it either. But somehow…somehow, seeing the way he respected her grief at the situation, seeing how comforting he was as he rubbed her back and told her he’d support her no matter how she decided to deal with this, well, the whole idea started to grow on her. “Maybe the time isn’t right,” he told her. “But if we tried to choose, I don’t think we’d ever find a ‘right’ time. You know?”

And somehow, it grew on her. She’d never seen herself as a mother. Never really thought she’d ever anticipate holding an infant of her own. Maybe it was the hormones, but there was a growing sense of wonder at what her body was doing, and she knew she had accepted it. Maybe even started to look forward to it, though with trepidation. 

But that was all over now. It was funny, after everything that she’d done in the war, to find that a miscarriage was the most painful thing she’d ever experienced. She could still see the look in York’s eyes, fretting, yet distant, a look that was somehow haunted by shades of things she didn’t know. He held her hand and told her it wasn’t her fault, and she scowled and told him of course it wasn’t. Why was he fussing over her like that?

She should be happy about this, anyway. 

She reached over, yanked the blanket out from where York had rolled on it, and huddled underneath. She hadn’t expected to feel grief. She hadn’t expected to be so…disappointed. She definitely hadn’t expected to be so angry at her own body. 

She hadn’t expected her own reaction. 

Something about the darkness, the chill, the stark aloneness with her thoughts brought her heart to her throat. York didn’t know what she had decided to do. She didn’t intend to let him know, either. It wasn’t like she needed his permission. And one day, she might allow herself to get pregnant again. On her own terms instead of on accident. If she didn’t, well, York would be disappointed, but he would survive.

The two of them, they always survived.


End file.
